Category Archives: Magic Beans

Book Reviews, Communications, Magic Beans

Book Review #3 – The Power of a Positive No – How to Say NO and Still Get to YES

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The Backstory

I found this one while browsing in a used book store.  I’m a kid in a candy shop in places like that.  I’d already picked up a biography on Samuel Johnson, and then this one caught my eye.  I remember hearing about the bestseller Getting to Yes by the same author, but I’d never read it.

By then, I’d read and studied The Little Gold Book of Yes! Attitude by Jeffrey Gitomer, and adopted my 11th governing value: “I start with ‘yes’ and finish with ‘yes.’” I’d also learned that saying “no” to things of lesser priority was the only way I could say “yes” to all the things I really wanted to do.  So the book looked interesting and into the basket it went.

The Summary

Ury frames his concept with the illustration of a tree. Your personal Yes is the roots holding the tree firmly in the ground.  Your No is the trunk of the tree that comes from those roots.  From the strength of that tree trunk No, a final Yes of full limbs, branches, leaves, and flowers grow.

He breaks the concept down into three stages considering the first Yes, the No, and the second Yes in each:

Stage One: Prepare

  1. Uncover Your Yes
  2. Empower Your No
  3. Respect Your Way to Yes

Stage Two: Deliver

  • Express Your Yes
  • Assert Your No
  • Propose a Yes

Stage Three: Follow Through

  • Stay True to Your Yes
  • Underscore Your No
  • Negotiate to Yes

The Gold

In a world that is increasingly engulfed in emotional No, this book is right on time.  Ury’s perspective and practical tips on creating a space for mutual respect and setting the context for No as a tool for Yes are brilliant and apply to business and personal life. I will be recommending this book as required reading for those involved in community associations.  The answer to many questions posed in our arena has to be No.  But it should not end there, and the message must be delivered properly if we are to help our clients and communities thrive. 

“There is no doubt that delivering a Positive No requires courage, vision, empathy, fortitude, patience, and persistence.  But it is within reach of everyone every day, and the words are potentially enormous…You don’t have to choose between saying No and getting to Yes.  You can do both. You can say No…positively!”

– William Ury

Intrigued?  Good.

Beans Everywhere!

I’ve shared the Magic Beans blog series in an attempt to help community association volunteer leaders and the professionals who serve them to find ways to communicate effectively with community members and each other.  This book is loaded with magic beans.

Communications, Magic Beans

Magic Beans #4 – Set The Table

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A long time ago, my wife and I decided to do a Fall weekend getaway at a lovely bed and breakfast in Scottsville, Virginia.  That part of the country is gorgeous when the leaves turn.  We even sprang for a “vintner’s dinner,” something WAY outside my experience at the time.

The Best Meal Ever

The weekend was wonderful.  The B&B was delightful, and WOW was the dinner awesome!  We sat in rapt attention as Luca, the winemaker and general manager of nearby Barboursville Vineyards explained how each wine was produced.  He helped us to appreciate the nuances in the flavor of each one and why the pairing worked so well with each carefully selected, delicious course.  The order and timing of the offerings were perfect.  By the time the food or wine touched our tongues, we were eager to enjoy it.  Three or four hours into the meal, Aprell and I realized that the couple we had become immersed in conversation with were the only other guests left in the dining room.  We were certain we’d never had a better meal.

Looking back, there is no doubt in my mind that the food was exquisitely prepared and was truly delectable.  It wasn’t until years later that I learned to appreciate that there is so much more to taste than the food itself.  Restaurateurs know that if patrons enjoy the whole experience, the food tastes better.  The total experience primes the palate, and the food becomes exquisitely memorable.

What’s This Got to do With Magic Beans?

Communication, like food, is more than the mechanics of the activity.  Yet, in today’s hectic and stressful business environment, it is frequently rushed, poorly prepared, and shoddily served. As a result, opportunities for meaningful connection and memorable messages are lost.  Have you ever sent a message to prepare residents for an upcoming event, and the day of the event you get angry calls because they were never told?  Have you ever gotten questions in response to your communication that you thought you had already addressed?  Or have you fallen into the trap of your own self-fulfilling prophecy thinking, “They’ll never read anything I write, so there’s no use in putting a lot of time into this?”  Maybe it’s not what you are trying to communicate.  Maybe it’s time to think about how to prepare your audience so they can receive your message.  Better yet…create a space where they WANT to receive your message.

Consider The Whole Experience & Serve Up A Tasty Message

When delivering a message, whether verbally or in written form, think like a restaurateur.  How would she present her work to her patrons?  Are there some lessons you can curate from excellent dining experiences to help make your message nice and tasty?

  • What is their level of experience with the subject matter you are trying to convey? Would a little background or explanation make the message more palatable? Break it down and be patient.  What the heck is foie gras, anyway? Will a picture help?  Can the server describe it in a way they can imagine what it might taste like?
  • How can you frame the experience to build anticipation? Can you help your audience see they should care about your message IN THE FIRST 5 WORDS? Why is this beneficial to THEM?  Do your words convey positivity and empathy? “Ohhh, I love the ambiance of this place! It’s so comfortable and everyone is so welcoming. I can smell the bread!  This is gonna be great!”
  • How would your specific audience like to receive what you are communicating? Is this message most effective as a formal letter, email, newsletter blurb, phone call, or face-to-face conversation? ”Would you like your appetizers first, or together with your main course?” “Would you prefer your dressing in the salad or on the side?”
  • Are you sure they understand the message? Confirm understandings as soon as possible. “Alright, so that’s a New York Strip medium rare, reddish pink in the middle, with mashed potatoes and green beans?”
  • In which order should you present the elements of the message? How will you organize it in a way to enhance their comprehension/understanding and keep their attention? Preparation is huge.  Organize your thoughts.  Present the main points.  Make it easy to see the overall picture, then get into the details. Never underestimate the value of a professional presentation.  You hold the menu in your hands…you notice the feel of it in your hands, the attractive font and formatting.  As the waiter walks you through the offerings, you can almost taste how the light appetizer will prime your palate for the main course.  You are so ready for your meal and a new experience!  Later, the light dessert wine is the perfect complement to the dense pasta. You leave the restaurant full and happy.  And you have a new favorite dish!
  • How can you prepare each thought to prime the mind so that they can “taste” it? Using connectors or transitions between main points create flow and connect ideas.  If there are many individual pieces of data, bullets points make them easier to digest.  The fruit slices in between each course give you just enough time to savor the previous course and anticipate the next one. And it gave you time for pleasant conversation.  It subtly made everything come together.
  • How can slight details in the delivery of your message reach the heart so that the important points are memorable? “The waiter was so friendly, calling us by our names.  And she seemed to anticipate our needs, but she didn’t hover too much. She helped make this such a great time.  She’s getting a big tip!”

Communication is an opportunity to create an experience bigger than the sum of its parts.  When it really counts, when you really need to be understood, or when your message can have a lasting impact on your audience, take a little time to think about the whole experience before diving in.  Then execute like Luca.  It will make all the difference.

Communications, community associations, condo associations, Cooperatives, Customer Service, Emotional Intelligence, HOAs, Magic Beans

So You Think You Are a Good Listener and Other Delusions

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In his outstanding book The Excellence Dividend, Tom Peters states that listening is, among other things, “the heart and soul of engagement and thoughtfulness,” “the basis for collaboration and partnership and community,” “the linchpin of memorable service” and “the bedrock that underpins a commitment to EXCELLENCE.”

We know listening is important. Yet, studies show that we are not as good at it as we think we are. Fortunately, it is a learnable skill. It is an area in which we can always improve. There are lots of resources available to help us focus on the art of “active listening.” Strategies include:

  • Pay Attention: Use your eyes along with your ears. Look at someone intently enough long enough to determine eye color. What do their body language and facial expressions tell you? What are they NOT saying?
  • Acknowledge: People with problems typically want two things in this order: (1) To be heard (2) To get a solution. Until someone is confident you hear them, you have zero basis for dialogue. Give them all the cues you can to show you are engaged. Open your stance, nod, smile. Use verbal cues like my favorite, “Oh wow!” Let ‘em talk. Empathize.
  • Clarify: Ask questions. Then ask more questions. Get the whole picture. Repeat statements back and summarize. I am partial to the phrase “I think what I heard was…” This gives the other person permission to correct you if your understanding requires adjustment.
  • Ignore Your Biases: We are all biased. We all make assumptions. We all listen through the filters of our experience. You might think you are completely objective, but you’re not. Nobody is. Recognize your biases and assumptions and do your best to get past them.
  • Suspend Judgment: It’s easy to impute motives, especially if you have a history with someone. But even if you are correct, there is no value in thinking about them. Acknowledging others’ emotions does not mean judging the validity or even the appropriateness of those emotions. Do your best to focus on facts.
  • Take Notes: Careful note taking keeps you tuned in. It dignifies the other person. It’s a great tool for the open forum part of Board meetings.

Why Are We Lousy Listeners?

You might think you are a good listener. More than likely you are deluded. Even if you ARE right, you’ll still need to work on it. There are many obstacles to being a good listener. Be aware of them and work to overcome them.

  • Did I mention we are all biased and make assumptions? Imperfect humans are subjective by nature.
  • We focus on us, not the other person. Instead of fully listening, we are formulating our brilliant response, thinking about how wrong or annoying the other person is, or feeling rushed or stressed.
  • We may be “18 second interrupters”.  Peters cites research that indicates an average doctor will interrupt the patient presenting her symptoms after 18 seconds. The habit is not unique to doctors. Yikes.
  • Distractions…Oooo look – a squirrel!
  • Electronics: A disproportionate number of the problems people have asked me to fix in recent years originated with electronic communication issues. Some conversations need to be offline. Listening with only your eyes has its limitations. If a conversation starts to go sideways, pick up the phone. Or better, go face to face. If you’ve grown up communicating mostly through an electronic device, you’ll need to learn to use the full range of human abilities to be a good listener.
  • The big one… missing the bigger picture. Employing active listening strategies does not guarantee success.

It’s More Than Listening

Listening is part of something bigger. You can employ all the active listening strategies and still be ineffective. Your IQ can help you to learn the techniques, but your EQ, or emotional intelligence, will be the key to being a good listener and effective communicator.

If you are not genuinely interested in other people, in solving problems, and in making a difference, you are likely not listening well and people can smell it. It really does start with you. And people don’t always make it easy! I’ve often thought that a key to success is the ability to be respectful of others when their attitudes, words or actions are not what we would classify as respectable. Just remember, being empathetic with others doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. It does mean you have to listen hard enough to imagine what it might be like to be in their shoes. That can require a very high level of emotional intelligence.

Final Words

“The best way to persuade someone is with your ears, by listening to them.” – Dean Rusk

More gems from The Excellence Dividend – some of the “Good Listener Rules.”  (Buy the book. Seriously.):
• A good listener does not EVER take a call, even from her or his boss.
• A good listener takes EXTENSIVE notes.
• A good listener CALLS (better than e-mails d%#n it) a couple of hours later to thank the other for his or her time.
• A good listener the next day with a couple of follow-up queries.
• A good listener does NOT pontificate!

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” – Will Rogers

business life, Communications, Magic Beans, Management

Magic Beans #3 – Right Question, Right Time

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This installment of the Magic Beans comes right from the front lines.

Last week, an on-site manager emailed a message with the subject line “Escrow Question:”

“I received a call today from a mortgage company trying to close a loan for next week and the budget sent them was years old. Can we discuss making sure those documents issued through HomeWise are current?”

Three emails later, the person responsible for coordinating documents with HomeWise (the third party provider of resale disclosures and lender questionnaires) made a very smart statement:

“I would like to know the confirmation number for the order. The budget that is attached is what was uploaded to HomeWise…and has been included with 2018 resale packages.”

She was pretty well freaked out, concerned how an old budget could have been provided to a lender.

Two or three emails later, everything became clear. In the course of obtaining the order number, the lender took another look at the documents.  He realized he misunderstood what he was reviewing. He confirmed all was well, and apologized for the confusion.  The on-site manager in turn, apologized to the two people involved on the management company’s end. He said he erred by “trusting that the mortgage lender knew what he was talking about.”  Everything got done and the loan will close.  But it took several emails and an hour or so of combined work time from all the persons who became involved.

Breaking it Down

  • For whatever reason (perhaps moving too quickly, having a bad day, inexperience…it could have been any number of reasons) the lender misinterpreted the documentation and reported an inaccurate condition.
  • The on-site manager assumed that the documents were incorrect . He punted to other parties without fully investigating what was actually going on.
  • It took a couple of emails to clarify what was actually going on. The email subject line muddied the waters (it wasn’t really an “escrow” question).

Lessons Learned

  • Things happen. People get confused.
  • Making assumptions compounds error.
  • Delegating or directing action before determining the actual problem wastes time.
  • Precise and accurate communication saves time.
  • The quicker someone takes full ownership of a problem and thinks it through, the quicker that problem gets solved.

The Magic Beans

This situation illustrates a very common occurrence. Most of us are moving very fast these days.   Sometimes we make assumptions, react without thinking a process all the way through. We kick the can to someone else, thinking we’ve taken the appropriate action. Unfortunately, this can trigger a burst of wasted time and effort.

What would have happened had the on site manager sought to identify the actual issue? What if he would have asked the lender a question using these Magic Beans?:

“Could you please do me a favor and send over what you are looking at so I can see what you are seeing?”

A review of the document would have revealed the solution in a couple of minutes. 2 people would have solved the problem. No one would have gotten anxious about a problem that didn’t even exist. Even if it turned out there was an error with the documents, everyone would have been in a better position to get to the solution more quickly.

Why do these Magic Beans work? Because, like all the Beans, the words tap into deeper issues:

  • It is a data-based inquiry. There is no ego, no accusation of error, no blame casting or blame shifting.
  • It is a solution-based inquiry. It creates a partnership focused on getting something done.
  • It creates a space to get at the nut of the issue – fast.

Think back about similar situations you may have been involved in. Could asking this question up front have saved you and your team time and energy?

In the heat of battle it is very easy to miss opportunities for efficient solutions.  Sometimes the right question at the right time can save time and effort. Making sure everyone is clear and on the same page is always a time investment.

Communications, Emotional Intelligence, Magic Beans, Management

Magic Beans #2 – No Buts About It

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This installment of the Magic Beans series focuses on one little word choice in one-on-one communication that can make a big difference.

THINK ABOUT IT

How many times do you use the word “but”? Take a count for a week. You might be surprised.

“But” marks a transition of thought. You might use it when you think something is dreadfully wrong… “But you are missing the point!!” Perhaps more often, you may tend to strategize your way into a “but” to offer an alternative position. You might even start with a palatable point of agreement with all good intentions. You know your counterpart disagrees with your position at the moment. You are trying to find common ground in the hopes they will be able to hear what you plan to say next. Then you transition with something like: “But I think…”, “But what about…”, or the ever so artful “But I wonder if…”

So here’s another exercise for you. For the next week, listen for every time someone else uses the word “but.” Pay attention to your immediate reaction. Unless there is a high level of trust in the relationship and in the moment, you will probably notice some level of negative emotion. This is where word choice counts.

THE GREAT ERASER – DEFLECTOR SHIELDS ON!

The problem with “but” is that it has the power to be the Great Eraser. It can effectively wipe out everything that was stated before it. Think about you how felt when you heard it while in a vulnerable place. Maybe it was during one of those dreadful annual performance reviews (which, by the way, I suggest we abandon). The reviewer just said 3 or 4 nice things about you, dutifully following the “3 Cs of Counselling” (comment – correct – commend). And then….wait for it…. “But there is some room for improvement…” Your defenses go up. You might start to think you just got played. You begin to formulate your counter argument.

The bottom line for any conversation – you might not be able to truly hear anything that’s said after you hear the Great Eraser.

What if you are wrong, or the truth is somewhere in the middle? What if you could have benefitted from the point made?

So what can you do when you are on the other side of things?

CHANGE THE GAME

Last exercise – anytime you feel the urge you use the word “but,” substitute “and”. Perhaps something like:
“…and I also noticed…”
“…and it makes me wonder if…”
“…and as I thought about …”

PLAN B

There are some circumstances where “and” might feel disingenuous or out of place. In those cases, see if you need a transition at all. If that sounds too abrupt, perhaps a softer phrase such as “on the other hand” could be employed. Be aware of your audience and the circumstance, and use your best judgment. Just remember that it doesn’t matter what you say, only what was heard.

WHY?

  • Your listener’s deflector shields might just stay down long enough to hear the message
  • You avoid the (hopefully) unintended message that you devalue the listener or their opinion/position
  • It changes the way you think and communicate, opening up dialogue that might just lead you to adjust your thinking – it could lead to asking more questions that will benefit both parties
  • It helps to avoid a perception of judgment and creates space for collaboration
  • It takes away a fence and builds a bridge

If you are like me, you’ll find the “but” habit hard to break, and easy to slide back into. It will take some self-awareness and thoughtful planning. If you’d prefer to play the ego game and prove yourself right all the time, it’s OK. Go ahead and stick with “but.” If you’d rather get things done and work effectively with others, take the “buts” out of it.*

*See what I did there? Plan B. I suppose I could have started with “On the other hand,…”

Communications, community associations, Magic Beans, Management, Uncategorized

Magic Beans#1 – Frame of Reference

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Sometimes the right words at the right time are like magic beans. Seemingly intractable positions soften, conflicts are resolved, and things get done. I’ve stumbled across a few during my career. This blog is the first in a series of sharing communication approaches that have worked for me. I hope they help you.

Many years ago I was called upon to take over a developer-controlled association. Diane, the community manager, was at her wit’s end. She found the developer to be dismissive and dishonest. It became clear that a change in assignment was required to get things on track and I became the manager. One of the hot issues involved considerable damage to an overhead garage door. Repairs were completed to the tune of a few thousand dollars. But it was a sticky situation. Several unit owners knew that developer personnel hit the door with their vehicle. Elliot, the developer representative, had been trying to get Diane to file a claim under the condominium’s master policy. But Diane was a particularly principled manager. She refused to file the claim, insisting that the repairs were the developer’s responsibility. The more she protested filing the claim, the more he insisted she file it.

Sure enough, by the end of our first meeting, Elliot tells me, “Tommy, we’ve got to get that insurance claim filed. I don’t know what that woman’s problem was.” I let him know I had a lot on my plate, but would get back to him. (I’ll admit it…while the statement was 100% true, I was buying time). In the ensuing weeks, I observed Elliot closely as we worked together. It was clear he enjoyed doing business in a “guy’s club” manner. I also noticed that he was very religious. He observed all the holy days. But the application of ethical principles behind religious practice? Not so much. The reasons why he and Diane were oil and water became crystal clear. In addition to the gender issue, her frame of reference was principle-based. She saw law as a function of ethics. Elliot seemed to be legalistically-based. He saw ethics as a function of law (i.e. if you don’t get into trouble, it’s not unethical). There was no way Elliot would ever hear Diane’s message. So I took a different tack.

Elliot: “Tommy, have you filed that claim yet?”

Me: “I’ve been looking at that and wanted to talk to you when you had a moment. If we file that claim, I wanted to make sure you knew how it might play out.”

Elliot: “Whaddaya mean?”

Me: “Well, you know you are a couple of months before turning over control of the board to the unit owners.”

Elliot: “Yeah, so what?”

Me: “You know the folks who will most likely to run will be the ones that trust you the least. I mean no disrespect, but you know not everybody’s a big fan…”

Elliot (shrugs, nods): “Yeah, there are always troublemakers.”

Me: “In my experience, folks like that get on the board and one of the first things they do is rake through the financials. They are looking for anything suspicious. And if we file the claim and that happens, guess what they’ll see?”

Elliot: “What’s that, Tommy? “

Me: “An insurance deductible expense. And they’ll ask questions and figure out pretty quickly that their fees paid for damage done by your guys. So I really only have one question for you – is your lawyer on retainer or do you pay him by the hour.”

Elliot (pregnant pause…): “Hmm…so you think I might get in a little trouble, Tommy?”

Me: “You might.”

Elliot: “OK, no problem, I’ll write a check to reimburse the condo.”

Me: “Good idea. I’ll show it as a credit on the financials so everyone will know you took care of it.”

Elliot: “Thanks a lot Tommy. I really appreciate that.”

Granted, it was difficult to do business with the gentlemen. I felt like washing my hands after every handshake. If my tactic didn’t work, I had a Plan B in my pocket. I would have advised Elliot that if I filed the claim, I would have had to recommend the insurer pursue subrogation against him. If that meant we got fired, so be it. But none of that proved necessary. We found a mutual frame of reference, he did the right thing and the unit owners were well-served.

THE TAKEAWAYS

• If you don’t know the client’s frame of reference, it is much more difficult to be effective.

• Observe closely, find cues to identify the client’s frame of reference.

• When possible, communicate issues with the client’s frame of reference in mind.